


A Mouthful Of Forever's

by Dreamers



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Cutting, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pain, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 04:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1332145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamers/pseuds/Dreamers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are whispering again. Always whispering. They said he's worthless and he knew he is as he took the blade and cut once more; watching the red blood flow. The voices were getting louder. They were screaming now and the blade was cutting deeper. They said Luhan will leave him and he knew he will. He knew they're right. He's worthless... They won't stop. They never stop. They need to stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Mouthful Of Forever's

People say that life is like a book. One chapter needs to end for another to begin. Page after page has to be written and read. 

My chapters were full of pain and sorrow. Full of hurt and death. Alone. Always alone but never really. 

Worthless was a word that could be found on almost every page. A word that followed me all my life.

But still even with thousands of pages painted red, thousands of screams and thousands of nightmares there was one chapter that I will never forget. One chapter that maybe wasn’t all sunshine’s and rainbows but it was the best I could get. It was a chapter of love and caring and trying.

It was the chapter I met him.

It was also my last.

It happened unexpected. We were never supposed to meet. Our life styles were so different that chances of ever meeting were one million to one. But one morning…One morning there was that one.

…

It was a rainy day. Clouds gray on the sky above and the streets almost completely abandoned. There were some people on the streets though. Colorful umbrellas paining the gray of the streets as they walked through no matter the bad weather. Their footsteps quick and silent as they hurried to wherever they were going.

However there was one boy that didn’t seem to be in any hurry. A young boy. A blond boy. His clothes sticking to him as he didn’t have an umbrella. But he didn’t seem to care as he shook his head every few minutes with a frown on his face. Hands pulling on his wet sleeves every now and again in a way that can only be seen as absentminded. 

He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going. He barely even looked up off the ground beneath him.

Too many things on his mind. Too many voices. Too many screams. He wanted to scream. Maybe he should just get hit by a car. He thought, finally looking up. That would stop it. That would finally end it.

He couldn’t think straight anymore. They just wouldn’t shut up . Never shutting up. They needed to stop. The voices seemed to be killing him more and more every day. Telling him to finally end it. Encouraging him to take that one step. Only one step is needed and it will all stop. 

And he was done with fighting. He couldn’t find it in himself to fight anymore as his head hurt and the screams and curses at him got worse. He was done. He couldn’t anymore.

It only took one deep breath to make that step. He almost smiled as he watched the car hurry forwards. Right towards him. Headlights on him. It felt as if he was in a daze. But then again he always felt like that lately. Everything was just a daze. Nothing seemed real. Nothing is real.

The car was almost there and he closed his eyes only to have his breath knocked out of him as he was suddenly pulled back by the back of his jacket, falling onto the wet ground and watching as the car that was about to hit him buzzed past him.

He wanted to scream but nothing came out as he pulled at his hair and the tears finally started down his face. As the whispers turned into yells. Yells of how worthless he is. He can’t even kill himself right. He can’t do anything right. He is just stupid. A stupid useless being. 

He couldn’t help but agree with the voices. They were always right after all. He is useless. So useless. A humorless laugh left his lips as he closed his eyes and didn’t even try to get up off of the ground. He knew he will only get even wetter. That he will get sick. But who cares. No one cares about him. Not even he cares anymore.

Suddenly he felt that the rain stopped falling over his face and through his daze he felt a light touch on his cheek.

His eyes fluttered open in surprise. Only to be met by the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen. The face that was in front of his looked absolutely angelic. Brown eyes, button nose, pale flawless skin and a shock of wet brown hair sticking on the person’s forehead. 

Beautiful; the boy found himself thinking as he kept staring.

The brown haired boys face turned into a grimace as more time passed. Eyebrows furrowing and eyes looking worried as he bit his bottom lip in uncertainty.

“Are you alright?” The voice sounded like it came right out of haven to the boy still on the ground and he found himself closing his eyes for a moment before he understood that he was asked a question. 

“I-Um…I’m fine.” He said, his voice sounding slightly off.

The boy still looked worried but after a minute a bright smile found itself on his lips. The boy from the ground ended up staring again. How can this boy even exist? Everything about him is so beautiful. He found himself thinking that he could live just to see that smile every day.

“Good.” The boy said sitting up and helping the blond one from the ground, smile not wavering even for a moment. “You were almost hit by a car.”

It was then that the blond boy noticed the umbrella discharged on the ground next to them and the wetness of the other boy. Did he really just pull him out of the way? Why? Why does he care?

“I’m Luhan.” The beautiful boy said stretching his hand towards the other one who was still looking around in a daze.

The other one hesitated but still took the others hand in his. “Sehun.” He said quietly, just loud enough to be heard by Luhan.

“Nice to meet you Sehun.” He said happily, shaking their hands. 

And just like that Sehun found himself entranced for the first time in his life. Entranced by brown eyes and bright smiles.

Entrance by a beautiful boy named Luhan.

Soft kisses and shy touches became Sehun’s favorite thing in days and weeks that followed. Days filled with Luhan, Luhan and more Luhan.  

Dreams filled with bright smiles and brown eyes and beautiful laughs. A laugh that Sehun could never get tired off.

Sehun found himself get addicted to the angel like boy in such a short time. 

He got addicted to that smile the second he saw it for the first time in that rain. To the others soft lips since the first taste he got a week after they meet, when he finally found the courage to curl a hand on the back of the brunettes neck and pull him towards him. The smile he got afterwards must have been the most breathtaking thing he has ever seen.

He found himself addicted to everything Luhan. The way everything turned so much brighter the second he saw that smile. The way that the voices got quiet whenever he was around. The way he made him forget. 

Made him want to live.

And just like that in soft kisses and brown eyes, between rustled sheets and heated kisses at night and sleepy eyes and whispers in the morning Sehun found something he never thought he would.

He found love.

He found meaning for the first time in his life.

He found happiness.

He was hoping. He was hoping so much that they will stop even though he knew they won’t. He knew better then to hope. He should have known better.

They were still there. Refusing to be ignored. Getting worse and worse every time he was alone. The shouts and screams and insults were getting worse than ever.

On the lonely nights Sehun could be found more then not crouched in the corner with hands over his head, shaking all over and screaming for them to stop. Hands yanking at his hair and head pulsing as they screamed at him over and over again how worthless he is. How the world would be so much better if he just jumped out of the nearest window right now.

The first time Luhan found him like that he was terrified, tears found itselfs in the brunettes eyes as he saw Sehun’s tear streaked face, messed up hair and shaking form. Sehun couldn’t even hear him when he called for him. He was barely able to feel it when Luhan came closer and hugged the shaking body tightly to his. It took him hours to calm down in his arms as he whispered comforting words into his ear and rubbed his back gently, tears not able to stay at bay. It took hours until he finally passed out in Luhan’s arms from exhaustion.

He told Luhan then. After he woke up with a scratchy throat from screaming and head hurting like hell itself. He told him about the whispered late at night. He told him about screams and giving up. He told him and he watched as Luhan cried with his every word. He watched as his love trembled because of him and that time it was his turn to hold onto Luhan, saying that it’s alright. Lying that it isn’t that bad. Saying anything he could think of just to make it a little better for him because he couldn’t find it in himself to be able to watch Luhan’s crying face. Especially when he was the cause of it.

Luhan cared. 

That was something new to Sehun because he never had anyone who cared before. No one cared but yet this one boy seemed to care a lot. Still the voices put doubts into his mind. Why would anyone ever care about someone as broken and fucked up as Sehun? Why would Luhan care?

It became harder and harder again.

Soft kisses and bright smiles were still there, warm touches and heated love filled nights between rustled sheets. But now so were the scream filled early mornings after a nightmare that was too much, shaking bodies and choked tears as his head hurt from screaming. 

It hurt. 

It hurt so much.

Too much.

Soon the once healed skin got cut again. Pale skin getting covered in red. A sharp blade sliding through scared flesh once again felt so right. It felt like coming home after so long and he let out a relived sight because it just felt so fucking good. 

He knew he promised Luhan he will never do that again. He could still see his horrified face when he first saw the almost healed cuts covering his arms. He could still hear his urgent shaking voice making him promise that he will stop. And he could hear himself making that promise right before soft lips descended on his own and a shaky smile was directed at him as a thank you.

He remembered but he just couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much. The voices…everything was too much. He needed to do something. He needed to feel a blade pass through his skin. He needed to feel warm blood dripping down his arm. He needed it.

That night Luhan found him on the ground, sobbing and covered in his own blood and it hurt him so much to see the younger like that. It hit him more than anything else ever did.

After that Luhan kept a closer eye on Sehun but it wasn’t enough. He could be there all the time and whenever he wasn’t the light was again turned off and all Sehun could see once again was black. All black. Not a bright color in sight. Everything was just black and red and screaming. 

Always screaming.

However there were good days too. Days when everything was bright and filled with Luhan. Days filled with gentle touches, loving kisses, bright eyes and smiles. The kisses that held promises. Words of love said into the silence of late night. Promises of forever leaving both of their lips. The I love you’s feeling truer than ever before when whispered against the others soft lips or skin. 

Those were the days they both loved the most. The silent days of love and promises and forever’s. It would always be those days that kept Sehun going. The I love you’s the only thing keeping him still breathing. Warm smiles and soft lips.

He tried. He kept trying for Luhan. Even when it became too much at times and doubts were being whispered again he kept going. He kept trying. Trying for Luhan. Always Luhan.

Sehun knew he couldn’t keep it up forever though. He knew he’s not strong enough. And that one night when the voices kept screaming again and again and again and Luhan wasn’t there to make it better, make it stop, he proved it once again.

They are whispering again. Always whispering. They said he's worthless and he knew he is as he took the blade and cut once more; watching the red blood flow. The voices were getting louder. They were screaming now and the blade was cutting deeper. They said Luhan will leave him and he knew he will. He knew they're right. He's worthless... They won't stop. They never stop. They need to stop.

It only took three cuts for everything to finally stop. For the voices to finally stop. They were laughing in glee as he cut then.

One. Two Three.

That was all it took. Just three lines that went deeper than usual as he put more pressure, as everything was black and he once again saw no way out.

Luhan deserves better than him; he kept thinking as he made the first cut. With the second press of the blade on his skin he knew he will find someone better, Sehun is just a worthless mess after all. One last I love you left his lips as he made that final cut. Already feeling the darkness taking over and he welcomed it with open arms. The darkness meant silence. The silence meant freedom. Freedom for the first time in his life and he found himself smiling once again as he watched the red blood flow down his arms until he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.

Images of brown eyes, button nose, pale flawless skin and a shock of wet brown hair from rain sticking on the angel’s forehead being the last thing he saw before everything finally went black. 

Before he was finally free.

…

A brunette fell on his knees with a scream as he came home and saw his lover’s lifeless body lying in the pool of his own blood. He screamed and sobbed as he picked the limp body into his embrace and felt no heartbeat he got so used to throughout the past months. As the felt the coldness of too pale skin he couldn’t do anything else but shake and scream and cry and beg for the blond to wake up even though he knew he never will. He prayed for him to open his eyes as he cradled him but he knew he will never see those beautiful eyes again.

And suddenly it became too much. Everything became too much. Sehun can’t be gone. How could he leave him? Why? 

The tears refused to stop.

He didn’t think they ever will.

…

The rain slowly started to fall. The quiet pitter patter of raindrops hitting the ground slowly filling in the dead silence surrounding the graveyard.

There was seemingly no one in sight. Only gravestones, rows and rows of gravestones everywhere.

However if you look just a little bit closer you could see a boy standing in front of one of the gravestones. A brown haired pale boy with tears streaming down his cheeks as he stood there without an umbrella. Whispering an I love you over and over again as he passed the tips of his fingers lightly over the name on it.

Oh Sehun

As he stretched his hand forward you could see it. You could see the angry cuts covering his once flawless skin. 

You could see the pain he felt through just one glance at him.

It has been a week since the last time he felt those beautiful lips on his. Since he heard his voice. Since he saw those eyes he craved to see now so much.

It has been a week since the last time he saw him alive.

And that was a week too long; he thought as he sat himself on the ground next to the gravestone of his love, not caring about the rain or the dirty ground. He didn’t care about anything anymore.

The spark once in his eyes was now long gone. The smile that used to almost always be on his face now only a distant memory. There was no point without Sehun. The world turned black without Sehun.

“Why did you have to leave me?” He whispered brokenly as he took the blade out of his pocket. “It’s too much Sehun. I can’t. I love you. I miss you. I can’t.”

The cuts he made then were deep and purposeful. After all what is life without Sehun. There is no life without Sehun; he found himself thinking as he watched the blood flow, images of Sehun flashing through his mind. He doesn’t want a life without Sehun.

And Luhan kept sitting there by the gravestone as blood painted it slowly red. Thinking that all their forever’s will never come true. Thinking about every I love you that left their lips on cold nights and sunny mornings. Every I love you uttered in the low and in the high. In the broken pieces of Sehun on bad days and his small smile on the good ones. He kept thinking of forever’s and I love you’s even as everything was turning black and the ground was covered in red. Because forever’s mean nothing without Sehun. He doesn’t want a forever without him.

 

 

 


End file.
